Taste, as they say, is relative. Not sure who “they” are,
exactly, but it’s certainly true that one man’s signature cocktail is another
man’s stomach-turner. One gentleman we know, for example, loves to sip ouzo ( a
Greek anise-flavored liquor) when out for moussaka, while some here at STUFF
can’t for the life of us fathom how a chalk-colored glass of liquid licorice
with the word “ooze” in its name can evoke anything but nausea.
We’ve no right to judge, of course. Recently at a wedding, a
certain Liquid columnist (who shall remain nameless, ahem) got so drunk on
dancing and merriment and vodka gimlets that she fancied it a fantastic idea to
sweeten her perfectly sour cocktail of Grey Goose and lime with … grenadine.
Portable-hotel-banquet-bar grenadine. Just reached right over the bemused
bartender and grabbed a sticky bottle of the neon-colored stuff. Dumped it
right in.
Don’t do that.
Actually, don’t do a lot of things.
Trust us when we tell you that you want your bartender to enjoy
serving you — or, at least, not to loathe every second of muddling the 16
caipirinhas you’ve ordered for you and your bachelorette party at 10:30 on a
Saturday night. We suspected that bartenders at every type of establishment had
pet peeves and war stories from behind the bar. So, STUFF chatted
with Joe McGuirk of Highland Kitchen (150 Highland Avenue,
Somerville, 617.625.1131) about the best rules to live and drink by.
Be seasonal. Now that autumn’s here, it’s time to
switch from summer standards. Sure, most bars can make you a mojito in
January, but why the hell would you want them to? McGuirk once had a customer
insist on one of the popular mint muddles in the middle of winter, and then
complain that it didn’t taste very “minty.” Of course it didn’t. Any food would
lose its flavor after spending a week on planes, trains, and semi-trucks being
transported halfway around the world. Look outside. Does it look like
mint-growing weather? If the answer is no, don’t order a mojito.
In fact, use the weather year-round as a guide to what to order.
“Somebody ordered a hot buttered rum in June this year,” McGuirk laughs. “What
makes you think a bar is prepared to make a hot buttered rum in June? I don’t
have pats of butter and hot water behind the bar year-round, folks.”
Be timely. “Drinking a Bloody Mary after ten at
night is like wearing white after Labor Day,” McGuirk says. “Plus, a Bloody
Mary is a hangover cure. That’s why they exist.”
Just as you wouldn’t kick off your morning with a shot of tequila
(unless you’re on Spring Break … or unemployment.), don’t close out your night
with a Bloody Mary. Or a mimosa. It’s not a hard and fast rule that certain
drinks are appropriate for certain times of the day, and, as McGuirk says, a
bartender can and will make you a brunch cocktail if you order it by night, but
it just seems … weird. “Instead of Bloody Mary, I’d offer to
make a dirty martini,” says McGuirk, “Or, try a different hangover cure, like a
Corpse Reviver No. 2. It’s gin, a little Cointreau, Lillet. It’s the same
principle as a Bloody Mary.” But maybe a little more appropriate.
Listen to yourself. This is, perhaps, the most
important rule of all. And we don’t mean, “listen to your heart, for it will
guide you.” We mean listen to yourself, jackass. Listen to what’s
coming out of that hole in your face. McGuirk’s favorite story, from about 10
years ago, is about a customer who asked for a Jack Daniel’s and Coke. Made
with Maker’s Mark instead of Jack.
McGuirk is still laughing. “I told the guy, ‘Sir, in the future,
you can feel confident that Jack Daniel’s does not own the proprietary rights
to whiskey and cola. You can order a different whiskey.’ ” Another favorite memory?
“Someone asked me for a Seven and Seven once, and when I made it, they asked
why I didn’t make it with Coke. When I told them it’s because ‘Seven and Seven’
stands for ‘Seagram’s Seven and 7-Up’ they were shocked. They had never had it
‘that way’ before.... if you have a drink that you like, know what’s in it,
so the bartender can make it.”
Any questions?
