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by Sara Faith Alterman |
April 20, 2009
Love ’em or loathe ’em, celebrities are easy targets, but they’re also a go-to source of inspiration when naming sandwiches or hairstyles or shades of lipstick. Or, of course, cocktails. Why a mixture of Maker’s Mark, peach liquor, peach nectar, and water constitutes the Matthew McConaughey ($10.50) at The Beehive (541 Tremont Street, Boston, 617.423.0069) or why the A-Roid ($11) at Bonfire (50 Park Plaza, Boston, 617.262.3473) depicts Alex Rodriguez’s drug habits with tequila and house-made spicy tomato juice (served up in a syringe, natch) isn’t important. Cultivate celebrity in a glass, make it taste good, and the giddy kitsch fiends will down this essence of notoriety by the martini glassful.
However, if you’re going to “honor” famous people with a beverage, why hold back? Botoxed bitches and man-eating ego monsters also deserve no less than an unadulterated jab in the metaphorical naughty bits. Turn your celebrity toast into a celebrity roast by mixing the following cocktails, dreamed up by the scheming celeb-o-philes at STUFF with help from the delightfully good-humored Kevin Kodiak at Eastern Standard (528 Comm Ave, Boston, 617.532.9100).
THE LINDSAY LOHAN
In honor of “Firecrotch” herself, this beauty is blond on top, red underneath, and sticky sweet — with just the right amount of attitude.
1 part Schönauer Apfel
1 part grenadine
Layer the ingredients in a cordial glass by pouring the Apfel and adding the grenadine down the side of the glass, tipping it slightly as you do so.
THE CHRISTIAN BALE
This British-inspired drink looks pleasantly tall, dark, and handsome but is surprisingly sour and volatile.
1 part Pimm’s
3 parts lemon juice
Worcestershire sauce
Mustard powder
Wet the rim of a glass with Worcestershire sauce and dip it in the mustard powder. Mix the Pimm’s, lemon juice, and a bar spoon of Worcestershire, then top with soda. Garnish with an English cucumber.
THE BERNIE MADOFF
The Bernie costs $10, but promises to give you back $15 at the end of the night.
5 oz Elderberry Manischewitz
All of the money you have, shredded
Salt
Lime
Muddle the money, lime, and salt at the bottom of a glass. Top with Manischewitz. Gulp the whole thing without considering the consequences.
THE CHRIS BROWN
A behemoth cocktail that’s strong, utterly classless, and a real punch in the face.
40 oz Colt 45
1 bottle Mount Gay Barbados Rum
Chug the Colt 45. Attempt to throw the bottle of rum out of your car, then wrap your hands around its neck and squeeze as hard as you can. Garnish with a raw T-bone steak.
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