IT'S A SEX columnist's nightmare to be clueless when a well-worn sex term gets thrown out at a dinner party. When a girl said "road head," I thought it had something to do with helmets. My punishment for being a *** and a cyclist.
Embarrassed by my ignorance and determined to never again be one-upped by an unsuspecting party guest who works in finance, I took to the Internet for a crash course in "sexicon."
Holy crap, there are a lot of sick people out there! Ninety percent of what I unearthed was fresh to my virgin ears. Even more disconcerting was the fact that these sex acts are practiced frequently enough to earn names and definitions.
Rather than hoard all this juicy information for myself, I figured I'd educate the masses. So let's begin our lesson, shall we, kids?
Food for thought or recipe for disaster?
Teabagging
1 welcome mouth
2 sagging balls
Lower balls slowly into mouth from above. Stir gently. This recipe is spoiled if even a hint of tooth is added.
Cleveland Steamer
1 man devoid of morals
1 woman's chest
1 hot bowel movement
Spread evenly. Add immeasurable amount of humiliation.
Boston Pancake
Use Cleveland Steamer ingredients
Add "frosting"
Occasional bouts of shouting "fastah" and "hahdah" can add to the enjoyment of this recipe.
Tossed Salad
1 agile and daring tongue
1 anus
Maneuver in circular motion for best results. Perfect for vegans.
Limp Biscuit
3 or more males
1 biscuit
Standing in a circle, beat vigorously until biscuit is completely frosted. The last person to frost the biscuit gets to eat this hearty, protein-rich snack. (When in Australia, this recipe is known as Soggy Sao. In the UK, it's Soggy Biscuit. When involving men from washed-up nu-metal bands: Limp Bizkit.)
Milk Shake
2 (large) breasts
1 yard
Several boys
Shake vigorously. If done correctly, should be better than everyone else's recipe. Damn right! (Not to be mistaken for a recipe of the same name involving one bum and several parts semen.)
Bumping Donuts
2 flexible women (lesbians)
2 vaginas
Thousands of men who don't know what vaginas look like, to coin this term.
Bump ferociously or until the cops come.
Strawberry Shortcake
1 columnist with weak gag reflex
1 Google search
Hundreds of readers forced to find ingredients and recipes on their own.
Phobias and fascinations: music to your fears
"It's like thunder! Lightning! The way you love me is frightening ... " literally. Because keraunophiles - people who get off on storms - want to knock, knock, knock on your wood, baby.
"I left my hard-on in San Francisco." It's a favorite song of homichlophiles, who are aroused by fog.
"Love stinks!/Yeah/Yeah." The rally cry of olfactophiles, who get off on body odors.
"Let me sleep on it, baby, baby/Let me sleep on it." With their habit of waking a sleeping person with sexual advances, somnophiles might have read more into these Meat Loaf lyrics.
Ol' Blue Eyes really won over the xenophiles with "Strangers in the Night," since they're turned on by strangers or foreigners.
"Dontcha wish your girlfriend threw up on me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend blew chunks on me? Dontcha?" Emetophiles do.
Animal instincts
There are big gay "bears" and young little "cubs." It's up to them what they do with their chubs. Perhaps it's "doggie style," but they could earn a bigger smile. If they reach around and yank, they're practicing "the goat strangler" on their partner's shank.
Squeeze the "beefy curtains" of your "beaver" into tight jeans and you're sure to get a chuckle. You're sporting the well-known "camel toe," or its counterpart, the "moose knuckle."
Drink some "Spanish fly" and you could end up getting "donkey punched" - a blow to the kidney during sex that just might bring up your lunch.
And if you're practicing "the ant-eater," you've just got no class. You're eating the dingleberries out of a grown man's ass.
Strange ... but true?
"The Donald Trump": after ejaculating in one's hand, the person then runs his hand through his partner's hair and yells "You're fired!" (The partner then proceeds to get all Omarosa on your ass, storming out of the room and calling you a racist.)
"The Ninja": a disappearing act, typically used after a one-night stand, where a guy shoots in both his partner's eyes, grabs his clothes, and makes a quick escape, never to be seen again. (The woman, on the other hand, begins taking martial arts after this experience.)
"Poison Ivy": most often performed by two women, this involves applying poison-ivy leaves to freshly shaven underarms, then urinating on the open sores over the span of a few weeks. (Gives a whole new meaning to the seven-year itch.)
There are literally thousands of these terms out there; there's even a book on the subject. If the sexual wordsmith in you in still hungering for more, here's a vocabulary list for homework: Mexican avalanche. Dirty Rodriguez. Italian chandelier. Arabian goggles. Rusty trombone. Cleveland caveman straddle. Glass-bottom boat. Goat on a cliff. Sperm whaling. Potato queen. Jelly doughnut. Blissful baby. 77. Upside down armadillo.
Now don't make me hit you with this ruler. @
Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who loves expanding her vocabulary. Send your favorite sexicons to jeannieg@comcast.net.
