Sex

I'VE SPENT many a night with a certain pal of mine, scoping women in bars and bitching about relationship woes. But while complaining about my trivial challenges, I sometimes forget how much more difficult it is for him, a disabled man in the dating world. So I plopped his ass on my couch one day and we got down to the nitty-gritty of sex and disabilities. "I feel like I'm everyone's best friend but nobody's lover," he admitted. (Note: his answers are not to be taken as sweeping generalizations about the disabled population. This is simply one person's perspective.)

Q: Can you describe your disability?

A: I have had partial paralysis since birth. I use crutches to get around.

Q: How has your disability affected your sex life?

A: Very much so. But as I get older, it becomes less of a problem. I can think of various moments, like when I discovered that scars are not necessarily unattractive. I have a body covered in scars from various procedures. To find out that some girls actually find it attractive or cool was a revelation. Up until that point, I would hide. I would be nervous about going to a beach, anywhere where you could see the major scars. I think the other revelation was realizing that I have absolutely nothing to lose by trying the best to do whatever I want to do. It doesn't just apply to sex. Seeing the cutest girl in the room and going over to her and talking to her is no longer a problem, whereas when I was a teenager or twentysomething, I would run in the opposite direction, scared.

Q: Now you're almost overconfident?

A: Now I feel a little bit superior in my own life because I can do everything that a "normal" person can do, with the disability.

Q: Does that bold approach work for you?

A: No, but it increases the odds. What's better: running toward the girl or running away?

Q: I've found that running away helps.

A: Of course there's always the caveman approach. When she walks by, trip her up.

Q: Literally using your disability as a crutch.

A: A crutch for crotch.

Q: Pig. So do you ever feel like people play the sympathy card with you?

A: If somebody appears like they only want to be around me because they have some sympathy for me, my attitude is, I'm not put on this earth to make you feel good about yourself. It's more, you treat me the way I treat you, and I'll give as good as I get. And that's the third cliché in a row.

Q: When's the last "relationship" you've had?

A: I'm not sure I ever had one. It was a few years ago. It was an on-again-off-again that lasted nine months, at best.

Q: What was the last sexual experience you had?

A: It was with a European. It started in a restaurant making out in the bar, and then proceeded to my car.

Q: Do you want to continue with that rhyme scheme?

A: Bite me! On this particular evening, it only progressed as far as my car. She claimed to have friends staying with her, and for whatever reason didn't want to bring me back to her place. And we simply made out in my car, to the point where we got to what most people would describe as third base. It's not exactly easy, when you're two full-grown adults, to shag like rabbits in the back seat of a car. And the other thing about me and sex is it tends not to be spontaneous. It's very difficult logistically if you've got a part of your body that doesn't work well. So it tends to be more of a planned event.

Q: Do you think people are afraid to get physically or sexually involved with people with disabilities?

A: Yes. The ignorant answer is they're afraid of catching whatever the individual has. The more informed answer would be because they are afraid of having to deal with that person's disability on a daily basis. And then there's attractiveness and unattractiveness issues. I stand out in a crowd, but not necessarily for the right reasons.

Q: Do things function properly from a sexual point of view?

A: I think the physical problems that might affect sexuality or ability to have sex have more to do with the body following through with what the brain is thinking. In my case, it's a spinal-cord disorder. Sometimes the messages don't get through. The brain is working fine, but the body doesn't always follow through. It doesn't have any effect on the way you think. You have a healthy sexual appetite, a healthy sexual drive. It's just the fact that the body sometimes doesn't want to go along with that.

Q: You say you're always the best friend, never the lover. How frustrating is that?

A: At times, very. I've grown into a routine of acceptance of that role. And it's not necessarily the best because you find you're attracted to somebody and either they see you as just a friend or you don't say the right things at the right time. Or you come across as asexual or nonsexual, and suddenly you're a good friend and you're never going to be any more than that.

Q: Do you think you'll ever find your "ideal" woman?

A: I don't see why not. If you lose your optimism, you've lost everything. With any disability, I think you can either look ahead, look for the happy life, or you can sit and wallow and wonder why did God make me like this - if you believe in God. The other option is to just get on with your life and enjoy the short time you have on this planet. I very much prefer to live for what I have now, because I know that down the road there's always a possibility that something could bite me on the ass. I could be completely incapacitated and regret everything that I didn't do. That would definitely be a problem. You would have wasted your life. People have goals for themselves - school, college, career, family, nice little house. And some people just want to live day by day and have fun. I'm somewhere in between. And I lean more toward the latter than the former. That's why I never have a penny in the bank.

Q: What are your thoughts on dating other disabled people?

A: I would shy away from disabled people in general when I was younger. But now, it sounds corny, but I wouldn't look at the disability first. I would look at it a little more closely to see what the person is like. And it wouldn't stop me from dating them if I liked them enough. At one point in my life, I wouldn't associate myself for any reason with a disabled person. I didn't want to be put into that little pigeonhole that says, "You're disabled. Sit in the corner. Look happy. Be thankful you're alive." I shouldn't see the disability. Nobody should. @

Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer whose mouth is often her biggest disability. If you'd like to share your story On the Couch, e-mail her at jeannieg@comcast.net.

*Yes, I know "handicapped" is not an appropriate term. But the interview subject and I agreed we could sacrifice our political correctness for a good literary device.

[Illustration by Corey Smigliani]