Re-gift it. Make a
bouquet! Boil them.
These were just a few of the
suggestions I received after soliciting advice about what to do with old sex
toys - a societal quandary on par with health-care reform these days.
If you've got even a hint of
kink (or desperation) in you, you've probably managed to amass quite the
arsenal of tools by a certain age. And while lovers have likely come (ba dump)
and gone, one or the other of you likely gets stuck with the romantic relics of
that time together.
Normal people probably just
chuck these things in the trash. Normal people probably don't buy purple
plastic penises and give them sexy foreign identities. And normal people
definitely don't suffer bouts of depression when they forget the name of a
beloved strap-on. So, sure, call me crazy.
But I know I'm not alone in
this dilemma. I know of some who have fought over these objects during a
breakup as if they were family heirlooms. And I know of others who thought they
could literally wash away their pasts and start anew with a tarnished toy.
So how do you simply wake one
day and whip something so personal, so laden with memories, so goddamn
expensive, in the trash? I guess it could be cathartic. Maybe I could be like
one of those crazy moon-goddess bitches who goes to the woods to burn mementos
of her lover to a pile of ash. Instead, I end up throwing the random dildo in a
closet, or tucking it in a sneaker in the trunk of my car for my father to
stumble upon accidentally. Awkward.
The bigger problem, I realize,
is detachment. And if I sound like some freak that collects a lover's hair out
of my shower drain, it's not nearly that creepy. In fact, it's got less to do
with the actual sex act related to the sex toy than the experience surrounding
it - the precipitating events that led you to the Amazing Superstore on Route 1
on a Saturday afternoon, the awkward hilarity of buying it, the unspoken
realization that you are taking your relationship to a new level. And then
suddenly - bam! - the lover is gone, and you're left with a used fake appendage
or sputtering Rabbit.
Maybe there should be a
recycling program. There's got to be a way to melt these things down into
something useful - maybe we could be driving our hybrid vehicles on tires made
from dildo heaps. Or maybe there's a program for the less sexually fortunate.
Do you know what a fake penis costs these days? Pleasure ain't cheap.
Well, ask and you shall receive.
The kind folks at Dreamscapes (recycleyoursextoy.com) and SexToyRecycling.com
not only free you of your libidinous burden, but they incentivize the recycling
program with gift cards or discounts on the purchase of "post-consumer sex
toys."
"Now, when you get rid of your
ex-girlfriend's strap on, your ex-boyfriend's butt plug, that worn out pocket
pussy or broken Magic Wand, you'll be doing a favor for the environment," the
latter company boasts.
But perhaps most promising of
all is LoveHoney's Rabbit Amnesty (lovehoney.co.uk/rabbit-amnesty), a program
that has already recycled thousands of burnt-out bunnies and offers half off
the purchase of a new rabbit vibrator to help with future "ecogasms."
Suddenly the landfill beneath
my bed seems less daunting. I mean, isn't this what we all want to do at the
end of a relationship anyway - trade up to a newer, faster, and better model?
So perhaps it's time for me to let go of the ghosts of dildos past and move on
to greener pastures. Now let's just hope that my upgrade isn't just an amalgam
of the haunted remains from a bunch of crazy women that came before me.
- Jeannie Greeley
Jeannie Greeley is an eco-freaky freelance writer. She can be
reached at jeannieg@comcast.net.
