A "Scientific" Study About Picking Up Chicks in Their Natural Habitats
Okay guys, we’ve all been there. You’re standing in the
grocery store, trying to figure out if that awesome Sponge Bob toy actually
comes in the box of cereal you are considering, when all of a sudden you look
up — and there she is. A beautiful vision that appears to have everything
you’ve ever wanted in a woman (plus an evident affinity for high-fructose
breakfast foods). She’s perfect. So what do you do? Can you just walk up to her
and ask her out? “Hi. Um, excuse me. I noticed you’re considering the Cap’n
Crunch. May I recommend the Crunch Berry instead? The way the artificial fruit
flavors dance with the … um … crunch flavors … it’s decadent. Speaking of
dancing, would you like to do that some night? With me?” Hmm — kind of awkward,
isn’t it?
But we are also told that meeting romantic prospects while out at
a bar or a nightclub isn’t a good idea either. Couples who actually have
met this way often change the story of their first encounter, concerned that
the truth just doesn’t sound very good. I understand that her parents don’t
want to know that the two of you dry humped in the handicapped bathroom at a
local lounge the first night you met, but the truth is the truth. Not to
mention that I’m sure it’s the only time either one of the two of you has ever
done anything like that, right? Um, yeah — of course it is.
So if we aren’t supposed to meet people while out at a bar, where
the hell are we supposed to meet them? That’s the question I posed to a few
female friends of mine just the other night. And their response? “You need to
meet women in less sketchy places. Like at a bookstore or a coffee shop,” one
girl said. Another chimed in to suggest the grocery store and the gym, while a
third said we should just walk up to them on the street, introduce ourselves,
and be as open and honest as possible. I understand the thinking behind that,
but something tells me sharing my immediate thoughts with the hot girl in tight
jeans strutting down Newbury Street isn’t going to land me a date. Land me in
jail possibly — but not a date.
I wanted to test whether their theory was true. So I decided to
hit a handful of these magical locations with the hope of talking to a few
single women, in the element, about the reality of this approach. Is it really
easier to meet people without having a couple glasses of liquid courage in you?
For scientific integrity (and because I have absolutely no game), I’ve decided
to approach these women as a journalist and not as a potential suitor. Wish me
luck. I’m not very good at journalism either.
THE GROCERY STORE
Time Spent 3 hours | Women Approached 8 | Successful Interactions 1 | Degree of Difficulty (1-5) 3.9 | Conentration of Potential Targets High
I didn’t have much luck at the grocery store. Maybe it was my
timing (I went just after work on two different days), or maybe it was my
shopping cart full of macaroni and cheese and Red Bull. In any case, women just
weren’t interested in talking to me while shopping for this week’s nourishment.
One woman even reported me to the store’s management. I guess I should have
seen that coming though. All she had in her basket were anti-bacterial cleaning
products, a big bag of kitty litter, and a box of Nilla Wafers. I’m lucky I
didn’t end up getting Maced.
Strategic takeaway: Don’t approach a woman when
she is shopping for toiletries. This is a very private moment. Instead, hang
out in the pet food aisle and check out the chew toys. Ask her what she would
recommend for a brand-new puppy. Next, go out and buy yourself a puppy.
THE BOOKSTORE
Time Spent 2 hours | Women Approached 5 (4 if we're using the local age of consent laws) | Successful Interactions 1 | Degree of Difficulty (1-5) 3.12 | Conentration of Potential Targets Medium
I spent two hours at the bookstore (a new personal record for me)
on a rainy weekend day. My timing, in my opinion, was perfect. After a brief
but very important age calibration (I mistakenly approached a highly deceiving
17-year-old girl who turned and asked her mom if it was all right to talk to
me), I got straight to work. The tricky part of approaching a woman in a
bookstore is getting close enough to talk to her without triggering her “creepy
guy” radar. It’s like swatting flies. You have to move very slowly. Women have
exceptional eyesight, and they can see a jackass coming miles away.
Strategic takeaway: Don’t hit on women who are
perusing the self-help section. You’re trying to pick up women at a bookstore;
clearly you already have enough problems. Instead, hang out in the romance
section, quietly humming Coldplay songs in a foreign accent.
THE COFFEE SHOP
Time Spent 3 hours | Women Approached 6 | Successful Interactions 1 | Degree of Difficulty (1-5) 2.1 | Conentration of Potential Targets Medium/High
Timing is everything here. A coffee shop on a weekend morning is
a very different place from a coffee shop at night. I learned that on my first
attempt, which took place at 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Women were either
paired with men or too visibly hungover to approach. One woman actually gagged
as I walked over to say hi. I’ve convinced myself it was a result of a rough
evening and not my friendly smile.
Strategic takeaway: Go at night and drink decaf.
Too much caffeine my cause you to tremble and stutter, making her think your
attempt to get her phone number is actually just a seizure.
THE STREET
Time Spent 4 hours | Women Approached 15 | Successful Interactions 2 | Degree of Difficulty (1-5) 4.23 | Conentration of Potential Targets Very High
I was the creepy guy on Newbury Street for the day. I got
rejected more times than Bernie Madoff’s Sears credit card application. This
was like shopping for a high-end European sports car. I had so many sleek and
sexy models to choose from, but, metaphorically speaking, what could I really
afford? I decided to start the day by test driving a sexy little Italian number
I saw. To keep within the helpful (and about to be over-used) car analogy,
let’s just say I lost control in turn one and drove the car straight into a
ditch. It seems the owner’s manual didn’t come in English. I stuck to vehicles
with less horsepower after the incident.
Strategic takeaway: Women walking alone are less
likely to talk to you. Only approach a woman if she is with a friend. This
shows confidence, and it puts her mind at ease: if you are
a whack job, her friend can call for help while she’s kicking you in the
crotch. Also, try to look confused (as if lost) when you approach. This signals
that you aren’t trying to sell her anything. Being confused is a natural male
characteristic. Embrace it.
THE GYM
Time Spent 2.5 hours (I was exhausted) | Women Approached 4 | Successful Interactions 0 | Degree of Difficulty (1-5) 5 | Conentration of Potential Targets High
This location was by far the most challenging. Much is at stake.
If you start to hit on women at your gym and your advances are unsuccessful,
you have now tainted a location that you are contractually obligated to
patronize for the remainder of the year. Choose wisely — or be
willing to switch gyms. A good opening line is also crucial in this situation.
Suggesting that she try a certain exercise implies that you think she needs to
work out more. Instead, be original. Hand her your business card, tell her you’re
writing a story about the difficulties in meeting people at a gym, and ask her
to call you. As you can see, it worked wonders for me.
Strategic takeaway: Although a difficult terrain,
the gym can be fertile soil for well-planted seeds. Smile, make eye contact,
and say hi when you can. This diligent, proactive approach will bear fruit next
time you bump into her while drunk at a bar.
So, after many hours of intensive research and a barrage of
ego-denting rejections, I’ve finally come to the “scientific” conclusion that,
in Boston, it’s damned near impossible to successfully meet women in these
locations.
I mean sure, it happens, but from what I found, it’s pretty rare.
Assuming the woman you approach is single, assuming she speaks the same
language as you, and assuming you don’t come off as some sort of pervert
carrying a reporter’s voice recorder, maybe — just maybe — she’ll give you her
email address.
Now, for you ladies who are reading this, before you get all
pissed off at me, firing off nasty emails about serendipity, confidence, and
the positive effects of a gentlemanly approach, I have one simple question to
ask you. When was the last time you gave a random guy a chance? We can’t change
this city’s cold reputation on our own you know. Hell, we can’t even be
expected to change our sheets regularly.
So, to all of you who are tired of the bar scene — both guys and
girls alike: I suggest we start working on this problem together. Guys — try
not to be so aggressive. Of the few women who were willing to speak to me,
almost all agreed that men in Boston can be a bit overbearing. Dude, you’re
trying to get a date with her; you’re not trying to sell her a ShamWow. Lay off
the high-pressure sales tactics, Vince.
And to you ladies — cut us some slack. We’re doing the best we
can. We’re horny, we’re nervous, and we’re desperately trying to think of
something original to say. Finding a way to transition a conversation about
peanut butter into a date (without using the words nuts or creamy) isn’t easy.
Trust me.
Now, I realize the concept of day gaming isn’t for everyone. And
based on my record of 5-33, one might assume it’s not for me. But I think I’m
going to try to remain optimistic — I have faith in our city’s ability to
change. We may never say “hi” to one another as we walk down the street. And we
certainly won’t ever be described as friendly, but one thing is for sure: those
of us unwilling to participate in the game will never have the opportunity to
play.
